Her Killer Secrets
by ZivaDavid-LesNinja-FemmeLove
Summary: Ziva David, a teenager new to America and high school, sees herself in the mirror one day and hates what she sees staring back at her. What she doesn't realize is what would start to reek havoc upon her from then on. She feels she has no control over anything anymore and figures losing some weight will make her happier. But, how she does it will have drastic consequences.
1. Twisted Reflection

**Her Killer Secrets**

Written By: Sammy

_A NCIS Fanfiction_

_Written for Ziva David, and for all of the fellow ED sufferers out there. Stay strong. _

_It is a bit OOC and I wrote this as more of a high school fan fiction but I hope you like it still_

**Chapter One: Twisted Reflection**

Does the mirror lie? It was one question Ziva did not know the answer to. But, like this morning, she would look in the mirror and she would not see what she used to see. In fact, Ziva would see something else, something so worthless, hideous, disgusting… Ziva was starting to hate herself.She hated herself. As a lone tear rolled down her cheek, she could hear her father's voice calling out for her.

"Ziva, get down here. It is time for school." Eli shouted, slightly exasperated.

Ziva, after grabbing her things, began making her way down the stairs. As usual, she wore khaki cargo pants and a baggy black t-shirt over her slightly chubby frame. The fifteen year old Israeli smiled, seeing her seven year old sister and seventeen year old half-brother, Tali and Ari. She gave Tali a hug and allowed her mother, Rivka, to take her to elementary school while Ari drove Ziva and himself to the high school. It was the first day of September. School had been in session for all of a week and she liked it, but not because of the people… she only enjoyed the academics.

The young girl was a bit of a loner, and she knew this. She would sit alone in most of her classes and at lunch, but people seemed to know who she was and they taunted her for it. They called her the cruelest of things, all because of who she was. It made her angry, not to mention depressed. But she kept it all bottled up. She knew that she could not allow anyone to see how truly hurt she was.

When Ari parked the car, he turned it off and looked over at Ziva, noticing her looking at the school, and she seemed fearful.

"Are you alright, my sister?" He asked with his thick accent.

Ziva just nodded and got out of the car, before heading into the school, prepared for another day in her own little hell.

That day, after school, Ziva went into the bathroom again, gocking at herself in the mirror. It was something she hated, but she felt she had to do it. She hated looking at herself in the mirror. She hated seeing what looked back at her. She looked herself up and down, noticing her legs were not as thin as other girls. She turned sideways, noting that her abdomen could be much flatter. She was fat, at least that is how she saw herself that day.

Her eyes veered to the left slightly, and she saw the scale on the floor. Swallowing, she stepped towards it. Ziva hastily stripped down to where she was completely naked before she stepped onto the scale. She shut her eyes tightly, not wanting to see the number. Glancing down, she found the courage to look down at what it would say. Yet another tear escaped from her eye as she saw that dreaded number. She was one-hundred thirty-five pounds.

It was a number she hated. Stepping off the scale, she started to think. What if she were to lose five pounds? Would she be happier then? Would the others hate her less? She did not know, but she knew that she would just have to try. It would not be that difficult to lose weight, right?

Exiting the bathroom after she put her clothes back on, Ziva put on a pair of running shoes and decided to go on a walk. She started walking, not having a definitive destination in mind, but she would know how to get home from wherever she ended up. She walked a mile and a half before she had to come home for dinner. She had no idea at the time that this meal would be the start of it all. The hell she experienced at that school would be nothing compared to her own internal one.

Sitting down in her own little chair at the dining room table, Ziva looked at the happy and tired faces of her seemingly loving family members. Her father sat at the head of the table, her mother to his left. Her sister sat beside her, getting more food on her than in her. Her brother sat at the other side of the table. They all seemed to not hate and resent food the way she did in that instant. They ate perfectly normally, unlike Ziva. She was cutting her food into tiny chunks, not even big enough to be constituted as bites. None of them appeared to be making their way into her body, either. Rivka noticed this, which caused her to furrow her brows.

"Ziva, dear, are you feeling alright?" Rivka asked, concern lacing her accented voice.

Ziva could only nod. She had to let everyone think she was okay, even though her mind was screaming at her to run from that table, and avoid that food at all costs. Her mind had her convinced that just one piece of that food would turn her into an even fatter cow than she already was. Voices in her head taunted her… calling her names just as those high school bullies had been.

"Are you sure? You are not eating your lamb." Rivka observed. "You love lamb, motek."

"I-I know." She stuttered. "I am just… not all that hungry."

"Oh. Alright." She replied simply, not pressing the issue further.

Wow. That had been easy. It was easier than she had thought, lying. She had no idea just how easy it would become… yet how much damage she would inflict upon herself.


	2. Ravenous

**Chapter Two: Ravenous **

She lied awake in bed that night, her knees clutched to her stomach as she was curled up in the fetal position. The sheer hunger pains alone were so painful they bordered on crippling. The young Israeli felt nothing but ravenous. Ziva was on the verge of tears, it having been six days since that night at dinner. No one had noticed that she was not eating. No one noticed she had begun to lose just a little bit of weight. She had never before gone this long without food and it was driving her absolutely mad. Yet again her stomach growled at her, screaming and begging for food. Ziva, no longer able to ignore this pain, sat up in bed. With one hand gripping at her deprived stomach, she walked the short distance to the restroom. Shutting the door, she turned the water on and began drinking handful after handful of water, until her stomach was so full it hurt to stand. She did this to feel relief from that pain, but she found it only brought on another. A few moments of gripping onto the sink counter had passed before she was able to find her way back to her bed.

The next morning Ziva awoke, not even remotely hungry. She actually felt good. Usually this was how her days went. In the morning she felt so strong, so good, so happy… but by evening she would be in hell. She got herself ready for school and looked at herself in the mirror. Pale faced, Ziva wondered if anyone would notice, or realize that she had not eaten in a week. She practically painted her face in makeup to distract from the true paleness beneath it and it seemed to work. Instead of getting a ride from Ari, she decided to walk to school. She was surprised she had actually summoned the energy to perform this act.

When she arrived at school, Ziva sat by herself in the quad, hoping the sun would keep her from being so cold. Seven days without eating was proving to have even more of an effect on her than she previously thought it would. Shivering, Ziva kept her face to the morning sun. Heat radiated across her flesh, warming her just a bit. Her hands trembled, and her teeth chattered as an indescribable amount of cold festered throughout her. It was then when she saw her.

"Hi!" The female's voice greeted.

Ziva looked up from her lap to see a gothic girl, a perky expression on her face despite her manner of dress. She waved at me as she smiled.

"Hello." Ziva replied emotionlessly.

"I've seen you around campus before. My name is Abby. You're Ziva right?"

Ziva simply nodded, shivering even more as the wind picked up. Abby furrowed her brows, herself thinking it was hot for being so early in the day. It confused her to see that Ziva was cold.

"You okay?" Abby asked.

"Yes."

Abby pursed her lips in thought before sitting beside the foreign girl.

"We have a café here in the cafeteria. Would you like me to buy you some coffee? It may warm you up a bit." Abby offered.

Ziva nodded again, not talking. Abby noticed her teeth chattering a bit, the wind gusting again. Even with this going on, Ziva would have rather been outside than inside. The interior of the building was even more frigid. Abby patted Ziva's thigh.

"I will be right back." She informed before going to get Ziva the coffee.

When Abby returned Ziva seemed to be even colder, shivering harder.

"You oughta get yourself a school hoodie or something. They make them big and thick." Abby explained. "I take it you are used to much hotter weather, hmm?"

"Yeah, that is it." Ziva lied, taking the coffee.

She sipped it, her stomach instantly filling with the warm fluid. Her entire body swarmed with warmth yet it was not enough, so she took one more sip.

"I see." Abby responded, she herself sipping a cold drink within a large cup which read caf-pow.

Ziva furrowed her brows upon noticing this.

"What is caf-pow?" Ziva questioned, gesturing towards Abby's obscenely large cup.

"Oh! It's an energy drink. Want some?" Abby offered.

"God no, but thank you!" Ziva responded, knowing one sip of something that cold could potentially send her into some sort of cold shock.

She took a large gulp of her coffee, warming up a bit more.

"Alright." Abby said with a shrug, biting onto the red straw which poked out from the drink. "You know, it's been nice meeting you. I, uh, I hope we get to talk more. My boyfriend's here now, so I'll talk to you later sometime."

Ziva watched as Abby scurried off towards a nerdy looking fellow and let out a breath. She would by eternally grateful for Abby's abrupt arrival. She continued to drink more of the coffee, savoring each drop for she felt as though she was the only one who understood how precious the fluid was. And when the bell for first period rang, she went to her class, starting another day of deceit, lies, and keeping up false appearances.

Taking Abby's advice, Ziva, instead of eating lunch that day, took all the money she had saved from not eating and went to the main office to purchase one of the hoodies. She got a medium and pulled it onto her slowly shrinking frame. Just within those seven days she had lost three pounds. Now one-hundred thirty two pounds, Ziva convinced herself she would stop her "crash diet" once she got to one-hundred twenty five pounds. This was the goal she had set for herself. She had no idea just how difficult it would become to stop once she did reach her goal.


	3. Fake Smiles

**Chapter Three: Fake Smiles **

Three more days of her fast had gone by and Ziva was now starting to feel a bit less pain, her body growing accustomed to the lack of food. Of course, downing several cups of coffee and water every day did not hurt. Or did it? Now down to one-hundred thirty one pounds, Ziva was becoming pleased with herself. Her little secrets, tricks, and self-explored tips were working in just the way she had wanted. Her family would occasionally ask her if she was hungry, but as for them catching onto anything they seemed oblivious to the damage she was doing to herself.

Ziva was aware that this was not exactly okay, and they people would think she was crazy if they knew but she could not stop. Not now. She was too close to her target weight and she was getting closer. This was her little secret and she intended on keeping it. It was Monday and Ziva was walking to her second period when Abby came rushing towards her hyperactively. Ziva could not help but smirk at her.

"Too much caf-pow today, Abby?" Ziva asked, making herself seem as though everything was perfectly fine.

Seeming appalled at such a question, Abby's eyes widened.

"There is no such thing!" Abby insisted. "Anyway, you have lunch after third hour, right?"

Ziva nodded, putting her knapsack back onto her shoulders.

"Good! You should join us." She invited.

The girl's deep brown eyes went wide and the smirk faded. Just the idea of sitting around others as they ate terrified her. She hated this so very much but she did not want Abby to think anything was wrong. She swallowed hard, summoning up a bit of courage within herself.

"Alright. I will." Ziva said, nodding slightly.

Abby smiled, happy.

"Yay!" Abby chimed, clapping. "They're serving my favorite today. Casserole."

Ziva inwardly cringed. It sounded so fattening. She would not be eating it.

"Oh, I see." Ziva replied.

"Welp, see you then."

And with that Abby was off to class. After honors geometry, Ziva reluctantly made her way to the cafeteria. She only ever went there to get coffee and bottled water in the morning. She never, by any means, went there to get anything to eat. When she walked in, nervousness flowed through her. She grew so anxious and she hated it. She was instantly swarmed by a cacophony of smells. She wanted so badly to eat this food. She was so utterly starving, but she just knew she could not do it. Ziva knew this would mean failing. Failure was NOT an option. She stood in line and grabbed a cup of coffee, a bottle of water, an apple and a small serving of rice. She spent only a couple dollars, where most students spent anywhere from three to five dollars on lunch. With the miniscule amount of food on her tray, Ziva's eyes began scanning the cafeteria in search of Abby. She instantly noticed the black-haired girl waving for her to come over. She swallowed hard, noticing just how many people were at the table with her. She originally thought it was just going to be Abby and her boyfriend, but she had thought wrong.

"Hey Ziva!" Abby greeted happily, making room beside her for Ziva.

"Hello Abby." She replied as she took her seat.

Her eyes darted among all of the faces surrounding her and her heart beat even faster. She hated having so many people looking at her.

"Well, Ziva, this is my boyfriend, Timothy. We all call him Tim, except for me. I call him Timmy." She explained, hugging onto his arm. "And this is Tony, Kate, Rachel, Jenny, Jimmy, Gerald, Jethro, Leon, and Ducky."

Ziva put on a fake smile for all of them. There were so many people there. Why did there have to be so many people here? A significant part of her just wanted to get up and run from that table. However, she knew she could not do this. She kept on a brave face.

"It is nice to meet you all." Ziva spoke.

Abby noticed the food on Ziva's plate. It caused her to furrow her brows, confused.

"Ziva, you didn't get any casserole?"

Ziva shook her head.

"No, I did not." Ziva replied, hoping no one else would make an ordeal out of her food, and how little of it she'd be eating.

"Aw, Ziva… you've gotta try it. It's yummy." Abby insisted.

"Yeah. I've gotta agree with Abbs on this one, Ziva." Tony added, smiling at the Israeli. "It's good for school food."

"No. I do not wish to have any."

They all watched as Ziva picked up her fork, prodding at the quarter of a cup of rice on her plate. Ziva could feel their eyes on her and she hated it. Abby frowned. Maybe she did not like school food? Maybe she was not all that hungry? Abby had no idea just how bad it really was. Neither did any of the others. Ziva sat there, listening to the others conversing and spoke whenever she could, trying to distract them from the fact that she was only drinking her coffee, which sustained her and kept her warm. Ziva then got up and left, saying her goodbyes and leaving to dump her tray.

"She didn't even eat." Kate observed.

Abby shrugged, not wanting to think of it as anything terribly bad.

"Maybe she doesn't like American food." Tony theorized.

"For your information, Anthony, rice is not American." Ducky spoke.

He began to ramble on and on about the history of rice. Meanwhile, Ziva was sitting alone in the quad thinking about nothing other than food. Food occupied almost her every thought and it was not as if she could help it either. In that moment she repetitively thought about how many calories she did not eat just then. She figured it must have been at least one hundred… but it could have been more.

When school finished that day, Ziva began walking home, enjoying the feeling of the heat engulfing her otherwise frozen body. Just then she saw Ari's car slowly rolling up to her. She stopped in her tracks, looking at him.

"Get in, Ziva." Ari offered, wanting to give her a ride.

"No thank you. I will be walking." She explained.

Groaning, Ari drove off. He knew something was going on with his young sister. Tali was much too young, Rivka too naïve, and Eli too oblivious to notice anything was wrong with their beloved first daughter but Ari was not so. He was much too smart for this. In his health class they were covering mental illness and they had a brief discussion about eating disorders. When they talked about Anorexia Nervosa, something clicked within his brain. He prayed that he was wrong and wanted to speak with her about the subject, but Ziva would always evade him. He never got the chance. He feared that he was watching his half-sister disappear before his very own eyes.


	4. Big Brother

**Chapter Four: Big Brother**

Convinced she had had everyone including her own half-brother fooled, Ziva allowed a slightly smug smirk to come across her slowly thinning heart-shaped face. When she got home, she rushed to the bathroom, eager yet frightened of finding out how much she weighed. Every day of her existence, sometimes twice, she would check her weight. A part of her knew that it seemed a bit ludicrous to expect a change within twenty-four hours, or less, but she could not help herself. She just had to know. She had to. It was as if that very number plastered across the screen of the scale dictated how she would spend the rest of the day… whether she ran five miles, or ten… whether she did one hundred sit ups or two hundred.

She stepped on the scale after stripping down to absolutely nothing and looked down at that number, a fearful yet at the same time exciting number. The scale told her she weighed the same. She still weighed one-hundred thirty-one pounds. Groaning angrily with so much fury, she wanted to punch a wall, throw something; do anything to get her anger out. Whenever the number stayed the same, or God forbid went up, she would become so infuriated with herself. Ziva would constantly think that she had not only failed herself, but everyone else around her. She had to be the idealistic image of perfection. This was what she thought. It was not as if anyone had told her otherwise.

Ziva pulled her clothes back on and stomped to her room, dressing in her running gear. Ten miles today, and then no dinner… just that damned homework which somehow managed to distract her from insatiable hunger which rampaged throughout her system. She rushed down the stairs and went to the kitchen, fishing a large water bottle from the fridge. She drank half of it and put it back inside. Upon shutting the door, she was startled when she saw her brother standing there.

Ari frowned when he saw her wearing her running garb. He knew what this meant. It meant watching his sister leave the house for two to three hours essentially torturing herself by running to the point of sheer exhaustion, burning off fat and calories which she had none of to begin with. It was something he could barely stand to watch. Was he the only one who was catching onto her self-destructive patterns? Was he the only one who cared?

"Want a snack before you go for your run?" He asked, offering her food as a test.

She looked from the veggie platter in his hands to his face. Despite how tantalizing it was and how badly she wanted to take every single one and shove them down her throat, she knew she could not do this. Ziva had, after all, lasted twelve days. To throw all of that away in a moment of weakness would be completely and utterly upsetting. At least, that was how Ziva saw it. That was how it was in Ziva's eyes.

"No, thank you." Ziva said, shaking her head.

Ari held the platter out towards her.

"Come on! Just take one… for the road." Ari insisted.

"No, please. I am fine."

"They're good!" He titillated.

"I said no, damn it!" Ziva shouted, knocking the platter out of his hands.

She then ran from the kitchen, leaving Ari there to stand dumbfounded. Eli, hearing the sound of glass breaking, came downstairs from his office. He walked into the kitchen to find his son looking down at the ground where vegetables and a broken platter lay.

"What the hell is going on in here?" He asked, his accent thickening with anger.

"Ziva got mad at me… knocked the platter out of my hands." The eighteen year old explained, feeling a bit of remorse for upsetting his sister and father.

"Well, clean it up!" He shouted, gesturing towards it. "This is coming out of your paycheck."

"Yes, sir." Ari said compliantly before getting to work cleaning up the mess.

Meanwhile, Ziva aggressively ran down the sidewalk. She pushed herself as hard as she could as music blasted through her earphones. She kept going and going, not daring to stop. The intelligent Israeli knew that if she were to stop for any reason, she would want to quit all together. Quitting was not an option, never was. So, Ziva kept running until she had done her ten miles. Breathing heavily, she walked a few blocks until she arrived back to her house. When she got home, her mother and Tali were in the front room playing. She smelled food cooking. Her stomach screeched at her. Eat! Eat! Eat! Then her mind would interfere. NO! Don't you dare eat! You're so fucking fat already! Don't you dare do it! NO! It seemed to be a constant, never ending battle. Rivka looked up to see her sweat-drenched daughter standing in the foyer.

"Hello Ziva!" She greeted pleasantly. "How was your run?"

"It was great." Ziva replied almost breathlessly. "Toda, ima."

Ziva's mother's voice was so welcoming, warming. It was one of the few things that made her happy in life. She would be forever thankful to her mother for this seemingly insignificant thing.

"Anytime, baby. Are you hungry? Thirsty? I bet you are." Rivka said, standing from the floor.

"Thirsty, yes. Hungry, no. Not really." Ziva lied.

Lying to her mother had been the hardest thing. She knew her mother cared for her and loved her, and Ziva felt the same for her mother… but her mother never seemed to be able to trump her emotions towards food. But, had they really been her emotions? Parts of her always wondered if this was really her dictating her feelings, thoughts, and actions… or if some weird, inexplicable outside force was causing her to be this way. She pushed the thoughts away and went to the kitchen so that she could drink the rest of her water. When she got to the kitchen, Ziva saw her brother standing at the stove. He was cooking dinner. She bit her lip, silently praying Ari would not force her to eat.

"Oh, there you are!" Ari said in a falsely cheerful tone upon seeing his sister. "How did your run go? I trust it went well, yes?"

In reality, he was too worried for his sister to be cheerful about much.

"Yes." Ziva said shortly, going to the fridge.

She grabbed the water and drank it quickly, hoping to shut her stomach up. It was helping… at the moment.

"I am making risotto and chicken." Ari informed her, all the while secretly hoping he would be able to get her to sit down and eat with them.

"Oh." She replied, tossing the bottle into the recycle bin.

Her response said it all to him. She was not looking forward to it. Not even half a month ago she would happy smiled at the idea of Ari cooking a family dinner. What had happened to his baby sister? Ziva left the kitchen, nausea overcoming her. It was not a sickened nausea of any sort like that. No. In fact, she was so hungry that smelling the food had made her nauseous. She went to her room and lied down on her bed, curling up into a tight ball. She took a few deep breaths, hoping to settle everything down and rid herself of the gut churning feeling she had. Ziva was certainly not looking forward to dinner… not… one… bit.


End file.
